Last time I dreamnt that i was there again. That’s always how it is – I’m just there again. No reason.

Things are different. Visually. I don’t know why. Last time, Taiwan looked similar to California. But – it was still Taiwan, and I was so excited to be back.

This time, again, I don’t know why I was there. It was present time, so I know I wasn’t graduated. I was at my old dormitory, just walking around. But the dormitory was vast and big, not smaller like it used to be. It was dark browns and reds, something out of England. Maybe, dare I say, out of Hogwarts.

The most amazing thing: My parents were there, too.

I didn’t even ask them to come – they were just there. I guess, in my dream, they had come to visit, and i was so jazzed, I immeadiately thought we should go into Taipei and look around. My parents don’t support me going to Asia. I know my mom wants me to be happy – but she wants me to be happy close to her. I’ve always found it a little selfish, considering I don’t think my parents would ever fly over to even see the place that makes me so happy.

In my dream, I had just gotten back, so I was a bit flustered myself. I didn’t have my track phone (I must have left it in America) and I diddn’t know where anyone was. In reality, i would have gone to facebook and told everyone – hey I’m back in Taiwan, what are your numbers? Their excitement is something I’d wait for. All my friends told me they would wait for me.

But instead, a Taiwanese, came up to me and said, “Oh I know Robin Su.” (Robin Su is at UNR right now, but was in Taiwan when I was.) For some reason, that was good, so I got his phone number, called him, no answer. I wanted to call Adam. Secretly, I wanted to call Ya lin. But I waited. It was like I was drawing out that good feeling to last forever.

In reality, to get to my bus stop you head out the doors, walk through a lush green campus to the main road (Roosevelt) and the bus stop is in the middle of it. Jagged buildings are everywhere, swarms of people and cars, tiny grocery stores, people grilling meat right out in the open ( a lot of shops didn’t have doors, they just rolled up a big door in the morning and the entire restaurant was open). It was right in Taipei.

But in my dream – we were out in the country. I think, we were at the airport? That would make sense. But I knew that students were with us, so I knew I was at my dorm. We found some other Americans, all expats too, and they told us where the bus stop was. The bus stop was completely different, up against a round green hill. But in my dream, I thought: oh yeah, there it is, how could I forget?

We got into this little bus, maybe only suitable for ten people. Then, get this, a robotic arm lifts up out of nowhere and an announcer says: “Due to increased traffic on the highway, please enjoy a scenic detour to downtown Taipei. Your travel time will remain the same, if not less. Let’s protect th environment.” The robotic arm lifts the car we are all in and puts us on a track that instantly sends us off into the rolling hills (and apparently towards Taipei)

Wow.

In my dream, I was completely used to it. I could tell my parents were impressed, and my step dad was trying to compare it to America. He acts like America has to be number one, but it’s not even about that anymore. Anyways, this was really weird, on the drive there were pieces of moving art. There were large cubes that would rearrange. Paintings that would morph and change color. It was sort of mind-blowing. When we arrived in Taipei, it was just like it was, oddly.

Though for some reason, there was Tianamen Square. Up on a hill. Maybe I should just change my dream city to Beiwan. (Beijing + Taiwan)

Things, unfortunately get fuzzy here, because 7 AM hit and I was starting to wake up. It was then I realized it was a dream, and I didn’t care. I woke up, was still for a moment as I realized this wasn’t real, that I was here in my bedroom, and then I shut my eyes and went right back into it. I was getting off at Shi Da with my parents and thinking, “where should we eat, where should we eat?”. I was pumping more reality into the dream: instead of Tianamen square in the distance, there was Taipei 101; there were the green mountains you couldn’t see except through cracks of buildings. There were the smells: tofu, curry and exhaust. The sounds: engines, people and the bells of travelling food carts. It was hot – but pleasant!

The signifigance of this dream was that it felt real, just like the others – but even more so. It was a warm, nostalgic and happy feeling. I was so settled and calm.

Makes me think, should I really move back to Japan? Taiwan makes me so happy. Then again, I would never think of moving back to Taiwan when it comes to Japan. It’s just automatic: You go to Asia, you go to Japan. You teach there, you’re happy. Even now, still sleepy and writing this blog in bed, I want to go to Japan. When I first got back from Taiwan though, I was a different story. I almost was completely over going to Japan. It was so obvious that my heart was in Taiwan.

And now.. is it just the distance in time?

I remember more of Taiwan – I was there for so much longer than I ever was in Japan. My memories are vivid and (obviously) permanent. But the ont thing that worries me about going back to Taiwan is that it won’t be the same. Sebas won’t be there, Jasmine, Jack, Belva and Austin won’t be there with me, sort of chuckling through all of our awkwardness. I know other people would be there, people whom I love, like Adama, Wei ni and Wen Sung and maybe even ya lin. (not a maybe, she’s definitely there.) I think about them so much, maybe more than I should..

But would it be enough? Does that mean I’m not ready to be alone in a different country?

I’m not sure. There are many questions to ponder.

But I know for one thing: I might have to ponder a lot harder come May.

RIGHT NOW:
- I want sunshine.
- I want to listen to as much poetry as I can handle.
- I want sushi.
- I want to do yoga.
- I want gloves.
- I want something concrete.
- I want music, in my ears, when I walk.
- I want to go apply for jobs.
- I want to find that $25 I need for my vocal lessons on Wens.
- I want Insight to succeed. A lot. Progress.
- I want to write a chapter in a novel I won’t plan, but just open my mind and pour it all over the page.
- I want to be brave enough to do that.

IN THE FUTURE:
- I want to affect a large amount of people, creating a movement.
- I want to have money (that’s shallow, but I want it so that I can live, that’s not shallow)
- I want to wield a pen like a samurai wields a sword. Maybe get paid for that skill.
- I want to find a partner who is patient and completes me. But yet they also stimulate me mentally and spiritually.
- I want to be a vegetarian again.
- I want to live in Osaka or Tokyo.
- I want to be paid to study the relationship between information and how it affects society. I want to tamper with it, create new forms of it and use it to find new avenues for Journalism.
- I want to be fluent in Japanese and Chinese.
- I want to start a news network, adding to social progress and the free flow of ideas.
- I want children. I want to have children and I want to adopt.
- I want to be a published poet and spoken word artist.
- I want to marry a girl if I want and have my family attend proudly.
- I want to travel to Tibet.
- I want to work with social media.
- I want to devote one hour every morning to meditation and yoga.
- I want to make electric music and take my words and mix them.
- I want to perform.
- I want to perform with Saul Williams. I want to know him. One of my idols.
- I want to see Broadway plays. I want to perform in a Broadway play.
- I want to talk to Kyo, and really talk to him. I want to open a door and look inside.
- I want to live in a cute house where I can paint any wall any color I want and feel it’s my sanctuary.
- I really want to experience the mundane thought, “hm, what do I want to cook for dinner tonight?” Then turn on some NPR Jazz and cook it.
- I want a big dog. (that loves my baby cash)
- I want to have a clean, organized room.
- I want to have conversations with people; deep ones; crazy ones; shallow ones.
- I want to teach a class.

and because I think it is equally important..

NEVER:
- I do not want to work a job where I feel stagnate.
- I do not want to work retail.
- I do not want to marry a man and feel like a domestic possession.
- I do not want to continue procrastinating so much in life.
- I do not want to fear flying.
- I do not want to fear commitment because of my step-father’s cruelty in my childhood.
- I do not want my mom to live as frugally as she is, she deserves to feel secure.
- I do not want my mother to laugh off my sexuality when she is around certain people.
- I do not want to hide my sexuality around people who think it’s wrong.
- I do not want to hate.
- I do not want my grandpa to die. ever.
- I do not want to meet my father. ever.
- I do not want to loose faith in Obama.
- I do not want to conform to any gender or any idea. I want to be a random variable. Even if it’s chaotic I feel like I can control it. That’s true control.
- I do not to deal with passive aggressive people. Can’t handle.
- I do not want to live in a cold climate.
- I do not want to live my life vicariously through others.
- I do not want to raise my children in just one country.
- I do not want to accept the truths my parents swallowed.
- I do not want to walk in the cold to my car, which is several blocks away, because I can’t afford the overpriced parking that my University charges me.

This list will change and evolve with time, but for now, in this moment, it’s what I feel.

Taipei, Taiwan. photo credit to flickr user *dans

I had the most vivid dream that I was in Taipei again. I know the catalysts were 1. my friend Weini messaging me and 2. graduating.

Six months ago, if you had asked me, “Where will you go when you graduate?” I would was instantly answered, “Back to Taiwan.”

To a point – it’s still true. I’m afraid to loose my footing in a world I’ve barely begun. I need to close my eyes and do what my heart tells me.

How can you ever fully trust someone?

Lately, I’ve been trying more and more to trust myself. I realized that if I want to trust other, I must first trust the person I am giving them. I am a gift to them. Their trust, a gift to me.

Isn’t this cheery?

The realization regarding trust wasn’t entirely new. I’ve always known that. Sometimes it takes more time to accept the things you do know, than it is to realize they exist. Most of the time people already know what they have to do – but the execution of said thought handicaps them.

On that note, I fully believe some exist merely inside their heads. This could become an obscure entry..

On a more tangible note, I’m graduated. Well, technically.

I’m really worried about my GPA. I’m not ashamed of my low GPA. After all, most journalism students spend more time in a classroom. That wasn’t me. I was always involved with journalism outside school. I learned in school, but what I learned in at The Nevada Sagebrush and Insight trumped any book knowledge.

The trick is graduating. I’m not sure if my GPA will suffice for a J-degree. I talked to Bob Felten, and he told me I shouldn’t worry about it. Who cares if I don’t get a J-degree and instead a general studies degree. It never matters.

Perhaps he is right. We’ll wait and see.

Oh and I have to pay all those parking tickets off…. uh oh.

We are born with the right to marry. Why is it revoked the moment we oust ourselves?

Why does society continue to coddle and embrace this mantra about the “defense of marriage”?

Let’s “defend” the argument that two-thirds of married couples divorce.

Today, the LGBT community were denied their basic civil rights, as New York Senate “defeated” the gay marriage billl

Defeated nothing – you just wait. This blemish on our history has to end. There will come a time when people can marry who they want because they love them. If you cannot defend love between humans then what can you defend? Nothing.

There is simply no argument against gay marriage. Any argument leads back to religion – an institution that has no place in our government. Oh, and by the way, the government has no place in our personal lives.

This should be simple.
This should be in the past.

New York State Senator Diane Savino, in her speech to the Senate today, spoke of a man who asked her about the bill, and they decided that if they wanted to, they could go down to City Hall and marry one another.

The fact that something so ludicrious is legal, yet gay marriage is not, really astounds me.

She asks, “What are we really protecting?”

And I ask that question to you. Are we protecting love? Try again.

New York Governor David Patterson’s response essentially echoes this. He said that if people had voted with their consciences today, we’d be celebrating equality tonight.

A comment on that article basically states that they fear the democrats were used for money on this issue. I don’t want to think that the President will hold back on his promises to liberate us. I don’t want to think that.

So I will keep hoping for that day when people are really equal.

I may have a professional self to keep up but I will never repress that I am openly, proudly bisexual. You know why? Because I can still work and produce and make a difference in this world regardless of who I am attracted to. To suppress that for anything would be muting a very part of my soul that I use everyday to function and give back to this society. How could you, a human just like me, ask that from me? You can’t so don’t.

More on that later, when it is more digested, synthesized and polished.

For right now, I’d like to point out a spoken word piece that I would use an epigraph to any conversation of new media.

I’ll provide text from the poem here.

Gil Scott Heron, an American poet and spoken word artist, wasn’t talking about new media obviously – but he was talking about the transparency of media. What the revolution is – we can’t exactly say. Is it civil rights? Is it the unspoken change?

And though I love the song, I would use it for completely satirical purposes. When reading it, you realize – the revolution will be televised and it will be live streamed and it will be recorded, documented and published in thirty seconds through twitter, facebook, wordpress, myspace, your mouth.

“The revolution will not be televised, it will be live.”

A beautiful and true ending.

Just something to think about.

Photo credit to Flickr user jphilipg, Creative Commons Liscencing.

I’ve decided to add some rooms to the house.

Stay tuned, I promise minimal disturbances.

Thank you.

Cash is sleepy too.

No one is even tweeting.

Today has been slow moving. It is my only day off this week, so I decided (I guess) to sleep in.

I need to remember to pause. My mind is constantly active with what is expected of me. I know that it’s impossible to achieve everything I want. But I keep trying. I don’t have any other option.

I only have a month left at UNR, and a lot of that will be spent catching up. There is actually a lot to do before graduation. I need to prepare a soft pillow of comfort. I need to use the Dynamic Media Lab until I hate it. I need to wander the library. Sit on plots of grass I haven’t idled in since Freshman year.

.. and the like.
Oh yeah. It’s coming.

Speaking of pause, I’ll head into the office now and edit video.

Insight Magazine won 5th place for Best of Show for a multimedia package.

All three of ethereal souls flew to the nine heavens.

I put on some makeup today for Insight's staff photo. Glee.

Where does one even start?

Three truths are evident about this time.

One, I am graduating in December. After that, fate decides my next path. This is equally scary and thrilling. I say, let it be. I’ll be in journalism for the rest of my life.

Two, I really suck at blogging. I also feel irritated that in order to have a lot of readers I have to subscribe to something I call ‘niche-blogging’ I have to cover the LGBT beat or the new media beat.

Why can’t I just blog about my life? Within that, hopefully I can make it interesting. Until I find a niche I can submit to, my life will have to suffice.

Three, I have absolutely no money.

These three truths relate and combine to make my life.

More of an update later. I’ve got internships to apply to. The process is, like other things, scary and thrilling.

The Texas Tribune looks slick: http://www.texastribune.org/

Taiwan streets by Chuckandchucky on Deviant Art.

I turned and walked away from him, just as I always had for three months. And it was interesting, the energy, between us. He had been my good friend for three months in Taiwan. We were two of many foreigners – like Jasmine and Belva and Jack – who were sort of just being sucked into life there.

We didn’t really know what the next day would bring. We didn’t know how we’d get there. And we didn’t care.

It’s fucking weird how warped reality can be. That was my reality for three months: freedom.

One day you’re in the heat of a sweltering asian metropolis and the next you’re in lapping up the air conditioning in the Joe Crowley Student Union.

And even though he and I weren’t the closest in our group, we still knew one another well and we had many laughs in a different place. As we looked for a drink to buy in the local convenient store and grimaced at prices (Why is America so expensive??), It was suddenly like I was back . . .

I could smell the stinky tofu and the putrid city smells. The heat was baking your skin and my hair refused to be tamed. I couldn’t even smooth it behind my ear. All around us were the sky scrapers like jagged teeth, littered with sings like sticky notes and blinking lights. she blared through them though like screaming sound and heated everything in it’s path. It’s safe to say that heat is held in the city like a bubble. Puddles of water opaque and murky drizzle down the street, stray dogs darting back and fourth. They won’t bother you, they just want your food. Don’t give it to them – they don’t mind. They just smile and trot off to the next friend.

There is a woman sitting in a shop on the street with no doors. Her hair is ratted and held back by a blue bandanna. Maybe she has her teeth, maybe not, but the smile in her eyes is more genuine than you’ve ever seen. She’s washing her feet with a hose and nodding as you approach. Behind her are many carts of fruit, juicy and colorful. Bellfruit? She’ll give you several pieces for NT 50 (a little over a dollar). Don’t have it? That’s okay, that’s okay – here, here. Eat. You need to eat. Just give me NT30. It’s okay, It’s okay.

I miss this.

There is a roar, deep like an ulcer, of a thousand mopeds roaring by, different people.

And all of a sudden her and I are zipping down the street, I’m smiling over her shoulder and we’re going wherever. Her eyes are like a cats and they are smiling at me. We’re slowing to pass by a bus, and I could kick it with my foot. I’ve gotten over my fear of falling.  The sky is transcending from dark to light blue, a soft light just creeping over the horizon. Her eyes like a cat are still smiling at me.

I miss this.

Are the dorms open? Let’s not chance it. The woman is asleep. We can just sleep in. Do you know this word? Let me teach it to you. Oh wait, first, try this. Is it good? This is very famous here.. you don’t like it do you.. I’m so glad you do. You have good taste! You’re so smart..

Behind the layers of language, something was beating.

It’s Friday what are we doing? I don’t know what are you guys doing? Let me call Sebastian – he says he’s going to a night market – okay let’s go. Do we need money? Which bus are we taking.. is that enough time?

DUDE. WE’RE IN FUCKING TAIWAN.

That’s a nice book right there. How do you say this …. slower? What are the tones. You’re a great teacher :)/

I bet we could go there? When? Let’s do it. Right now. I’m feeling antsy let’s get out of the dorm.You too? Let’s go. Fuck it. We can take the banana line to City Hall and walk there.

Did you feel the earthquake? Let’s invite Karman.  Where are you now? Do you want us to meet you at Guting? Just meet me at the MRT in twenty minutes.

After school beer? Lao shi dropped the eraser again today – as per usual! She’s so cute. Anyone down to go to Taboo? Or Funky!

I’m American. Yes. No only three months. I know . . it’s too short! What’s your name. You’re beautiful! No really, what does your name mean? I love it.Um, yeah maybe I’ll come back. I mean I want to it’s just…

Hey mom. Yes I’m walking to the bus stop alone .. it’s sunny and day time. Ugh.

Good Morning. What’s for breakfast? I guess we’ll just eat on the street.

Chinese Medicine? You’re crazy .. but that’s great! Do you like Taiwan? Do you like Chinese food? Do you like speaking Chinese?

dou ke yi. dou ke yi.

What did you get on the test?

I just keeps getting harder.. but I love it.

Cool Glasses . .. I like them. What’s your name? Wow, Darren. That’s a cool name. What’s your name? Ya lin. I like it. I’m Jessica. I don’t speak much Chinese.

What time is it? 4? They’re closing. Come with us, it’s a Taiwanese tradition, now we go to breakfast. I would be careful of some tomboys.. perhaps you’re nothing but meat to them. They are animals.

Maybe I am an animal, too. Maybe I want to be hunted. Maybe.

She is g o o d a t t a i w a n e s e~

It’s true, they do leave them. But its’ hard, you have the pressure from your family .. and it’s not even that. But I cannot explain it. But you don’t want to let your family down. You can’t. They helped you grow.

Now you come to the altar and you bow three time with the incense out. You pray? Yes you pray. . pray for anything. Which god is this? I’m not sure . . I’m Taiwanese but I’m not sure. But you pray.

Let’s pray for southern Taiwan. Let’s. My eyes are watering from the incense. It’s strong .. and beautiful.

What is this? It’s Chicken butt do you like it??!

I’m starting to expect to wake up here. One day I won’t see this. I won’t see this bed here.. or Jasmine sitting over there studying hard. Hey, Jasmine … how do you answer this?

Should I make us some oatmeal? Do you think we’ll ever change?

Are you sure you want to go home? When I see you I don’t want you to leave. Do you often make decisions fast? I gave up on love many years ago.

that’s why I’m afraid.

Those are people doing Taichi. When you come home at night, maybe you can see them starting their day as you end yours.

I only have one month left. You have to experience it all.Everyday. Hurry. Hurry. Don’t you get it? You’re in Taiwan. Only one chance. Who knows, who knows.

Are you sad? You look depressed. Are you tired, are you tired, are you tired? Don’t be sad. She didn’t mean that.

There is a brick wall ahead of me . . I see it . . I keep running. I just keep running.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need a real man.

8.5.09

I wonder if this is my new reality.. what started as a vacation.. has become my life. Could these be the sights and smells that my world will consist of?

Will I ever blossom?

I can here.. but can I communicate that awakening? Other places.. left premature. How long can I keep this? Right now I just long to wake up and be home. … I have to try this. Can I trust you to be strong? I don’t think so.. I’m a vacation.

I was born with this face, I don’t need to dress up!!

I don’t even want to think about leaving.

You’re not a toy. I don’t want you to think that. I don’t say it enough. Sleep well.

Does it even feel the same anymore? All I have are memories of smiles.

This s not goodbye.